Heading to the Neurologist

Dear Beaniebean,

I miss you today.You are back at daycare after the Christmas holidays, and I miss you all over again.

I miss you today even more than usual because I'm still worried about you. Your wibbly wobbly leg has become much more stable, thank god, and might have only been some kind of muscle reaction after all. Last night I only saw your knee collapse twice, instead of twice a second, and it may have even been soemthing that you did on purpose, just to test it out. I can't be certain. You've had no more long periods of staring at nothing, though you are becoming more obsessed with music. Last night, for instance, instead of calling out, 'Mama!' when you woke in the night, you called out, 'Music! Music! Music!'. You still sit and actively listen to particular albums, and you've started singing along in a very concentrated manner too. It's really the most beautiful thing.

This is your 'listening to music' face. 

The neurologist called today, though, and said they have a cancellation tomorrow, so we are headed in. I'm close to vomiting with nerves, but I will do my absolute absolute absolute best to entirely internalise this and not spread the anxiety to you. The receptionist said that you will need to be pretty still and quiet for between one and two-and-a-half hours, and I couldn't help but laugh. Um, a toddler? Sitting quietly for 150 minutes? Deary me. So we will bring your favourite albums to listen to (Edward Sharp, The Nutcracker, Kings of Convenience, Vintage Children's Songs), we will bring my laptop with lots of episodes of the shows you sometimes watch before bed (Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom, Charlie and Lola, Thomas the Tank Engine), we will bring your favourite books (Where is the Green Sheep, Peepo, Alex's Outing, Little Cow, Brown Bear and all your first words books) and... hmm. Maybe I will get some stickers or something for you to play with.

I'm scared of how you will react when we are there, that you will be scared and hate the place. I'm scared of how I will feel when I look at you with all these electrodes stuck to your head. I'm scared that they will ask me to leave the room and leave you alone at some point. I'm scared of what they will discover.

But I know you are a big brave boy, and I will be a big brave mummy for you.

I love you. I love love love love love you. I love you all the time. I love you forever.

Love Mummy.